Thursday, July 23, 2009


Our very thin president Obama has chosen a fat chick to be Surgeon General. She is qualified but corpulent. People are up in arms over this because I guess they think the Surgeon General should be in perfect health with no bad habits. I like the idea of a chubby Surgeon General myself, the fatter the better. It would be great if she was so fat they had to roll her around in a bed like those half ton people you see in the tabloids.

Obama doesn’t set a very healthy example himself because he smokes cigarettes. But at least he doesn’t smoke crack like the last president. And Bubba Clinton smoked cigars, ate copious amounts of cheese burgers and got more ass than a Grand Canyon tour.

I’m going to put “Bed Full Of Fat Chicks” by the Tunnel Rats on the stereo and research what the Surgeon General does besides puting warnings on cigarette packages. And eat a goddamned bag of cookies while I’m at it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

American Standard Orbit

Do you know how much the toilet on the international space station cost? $19 million dollars! That’s a lot of money for an orbiting shitter. You would think that the “Waste and Hygiene Compartment” was made of gold. But it’s not. Why so expensive? And where does the shit go? I suppose it’s not as simple as hanging your ass out a port hole and pinching a loaf. Who knows what the vacuum of outer space would do to your sit-upon. Probably turn you inside out through your rectum. Not much fun I suspect. I would spend $19 mil to prevent that. I just hope that the falling star that I wished upon the other night wasn’t a hunk of astronaut shit.

The space station currently has 13 people onboard and the space commode overflowed the other day. It’s bad enough when that happens on Earth where gravity can at least keep the offal on the floor. And you thought being an astronaut was so glamorous. Do they train astronauts at NASA for unclogging space heads? I bet they do. All contingencies are covered. I just hope it doesn’t become a chronic problem. Does it come with a warranty? Should for the money. I wonder if it was built by American Standard?

I also heard that NASA has a machine that turns piss into drinking water thus reducing the need to bring water to the station. I wonder if you could tweak it a bit to turn piss into beer. I’m fairly efficient at the reverse myself.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Missing: The Gay Sex Scene Between Armstrong and Collins

In what could be the biggest “what the fuck?” in human history, NASA erased the video of the first lunar landing in order to re-use the tape. You would think that back in the Apollo heyday at least, NASA had the budget for a few extra tapes. And it was a fairly momentous occasion, the first time humans landed on the moon and all. I wonder what the tape was eventually re-used for. Maybe some horn-dog flight controller put a camera in the female astronaut’s bathroom so he go get a peak at Sally Ride’s ass.

Or maybe it was erased on purpose. Perhaps it showed something they didn’t want us to see and I don’t mean Buzz Aldrin naked. Maybe some alien activity? The tape may have shown how Neil Armstrong and the aforementioned Buzz were taken over by aliens by inhabiting their bodies. I can see how NASA would want to sweep that one under the carpet. Hopefully they have been keeping an eye on the former moon walkers just in case. Buzz Aldrin is always going on about how aliens exist and Aldrin himself may be the definitive proof.

Some conspiracy nuts may say that either the tape never existed or that NASA destroyed it because it contained evidence that we never went to the moon. Crazy stuff. Maybe Neil Armstrong was the lone gunman as well. And we all know that Apollo 11 pilot Michael Collins flew a plane into the World Trade Center. I don’t think it’s likely that Buzz Aldrin is a member of the Illuminati but you never know.

I think the alien activity theory is the most plausible.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Musings on the MLB All-Star Game

There is just way too much ceremony and bullshit surrounding the all-star game. They should just run down the line-ups and start playing the game promptly at 8. I like tradition and seeing the old ball players and all but things are taken to extremes. They went and disconnected poor 88 year old Stan Musial from his life support and wheeled him out in order for him to hand the first pitch baseball to the president of The United States. I’m sure the poor old Hall Of Famer would rather have been back at the home getting his daily enema.

President Obama by the way, throws like a girl or, even worse, like Johnny Damon. But he is a left hander and could probably catch on with a team as a lefty specialist, perhaps with the Nationals. Would his catcher need a teleprompter?

Instead of waterboarding terror suspects, why not force them to listen to Tim McCarver for an inning or two? I would give up anything just to get him to stop. Before I turned the sound off on the TV, I was about to confess to everything including the murder of Paul McCartney.

Jonathan Papelbon came one great catch away from blowing the game for the AL. But he got the win. The whole win rule in baseball is stupid. Just because you happen to have pitched the inning that your team goes ahead for good in, you get the win. Even if you give up 13 runs and have blown the win for the starter. I wish life was like that. You could get a win despite fucking everything up for everyone else.

Too many goddamned commercials – standard complaint, I know. I would just switch over to “Deadliest Catch” during the breaks. Did you know those crab fishing guys are nuts? They make the long dollar, though. But not as long a dollar as AL all-star starter Roy Halladay will make on his next contract. If I had been the AL all-star manger, I would have started Tim Wakefield instead of Halladay, who gave up a couple runs. Those NL guys were so amped up, they would have screwed themselves into the ground swatting at Wakefield’s butterflies.

I hate the singing of God Bless America during the 7th inning stretch. They’ve been doing this since 9/11 for some stupid reason. If it gives you an extra 3 minutes to pound another beer or two, I suppose it’s OK. But do we really have to ask God to bless America all the time? Do you think he sometimes forgets? And what about other countries? Let’s ask him to bless Uzbekistan occasionally.

And what was with the giant American flag that covered almost the whole field? I thought MLB was trying to make baseball more of an international sport these days. Does the fact that we have enormous flags make us a great country? Just because I have an enormous penis doesn’t make me a great guy.

How much do you suppose the flyover of the stealth bomber cost? And why a stealth bomber? Why not the usual group of F-15 fighters? Are we trying to send a message to the world? And what would that message be? Did you know that those planes literally cost more than their weight in gold? I would rather see a flyover by an old bi-plane with a wing walker. Or perhaps you could put Stan Musial on the wing with his walker.