Sunday, October 29, 2006

"Call Of The Chtulhu's Big Rubber Dink" or "Quoth the Dildo, 'Nevermore.'"

Halloween is my favorite holiday. The only one holiday I like, actually. It’s a riot seeing little kids in their costumes and even better seeing their yummy mommies dressed up as Playboy bunnies or French maids. And I love candy corn.

“Tell us a scary story, Uncle Wheel Gun!” I can hear you pleading. OK, I will. Only it won’t be very scary. And it won’t be all that entertaining either, but if you wanted serious entertainment you wouldn’t be here in the first place.

This story takes place about 16 or 17 years ago on a cold dark night in Maine. Yes, the very same Maine that Stephen King writes about all the time. Sends shivers down your spine, don’t it? In the wilds of Kittery. At a bar called Norton’s. My band at the time was playing its yearly Halloween gig there.

The year before this, we had all dressed up as our favorite dead rock stars. I went as Momma Cass (had to loose weight for the part as I recall). But this particular year, we went as inbred Maine’ahs, calling ourselves the Downeast Inbred Corn-holers (DIC). The only person who didn’t have to put a costume on was our bass player who was already from Maine and inbred.

I wore an orange hunter’s hat with “If you kant keep it in yur pants, keep it in yur family” written on it. I had on an orange hunter’s vest and a pair of tight white boxer shorts that had red lipstick kiss marks all over them. On my feet I wore a pair of beat up old duck boots. But the best part was the huge rubber dick I had hanging out of my boxers. I had bought the thing earlier in the day from the local dildo store (put it on my tab). It was hilarious. Or at least I thought so. Made me laugh.

Just before we were to go on stage, a couple friends of mine decided they had to have a fist fight. Everyone was good and pie-eyed at this point. These two guys, who have since become pals, wanted to beat the living fuck out of each other so they went out side to brandish their dukes. I reluctantly followed.

Just before they were about to start wailing on each other, I grabbed both of them by the collars as I would a couple misbehaving school boys and launched into a red faced tirade about how fucking moronic they were acting. I tell you I was pissed. Had spittle flying out of my mouth and everything. Then, in mid-tantrum, I stopped.

It had suddenly dawned on me how I must have looked out there in the parking lot of Norton’s holding two these two potential pugilists apart. There was silence. I looked down at my still madly swinging massive rubber member and started laughing. And laughing. I said "Look at me for Christsakes! Just look at me! Go ahead and beat the crap out of each other for all I care but I'm going inside to get a drink."

Wow. I really didn’t mean to scare you that much. Sorry.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

More Advice For Microsoft

I watch in giddy anticipation for any news concerning the up coming release of the new Windows operating system. I have to, since I’m an IT (Information Technologies for you Luddites) fag. “Vista” will be available sometime in the next decade I’m sure. And it will come in 6, count ‘em 6, versions! From Vista Starter for third world countries to Vista Ultimate for everything from multimedia creation to ass wiping.

Maybe Vista Starter will keep those unwashed immigrants from be-spoiling our great Christian country since they won’t need to come here to surf the web or make resumes. It is an extremely crippled version of Vista though, and you won’t be able to have more than three applications opened at once. Maybe we could use Vista Starter as an incentive by upgrading it for any of the heathenous hordes who convert to Christianity/capitalism. Good idea.

I will now put forth my suggestions for additional versions of Window’s Vista that Microsoft should consider for release. And you know the Redmond, Washington based fuckers will listen to me since I have spent countless dollars training on their buggy products and countless hours trying to fix their crap. Here it goes:

Vista Moron – For the vast majority of people who use computers. An idiot proof version of Windows. You won’t be able to accidentally delete anything because you won’t be able to delete anything period. You also won’t be able to install or uninstall anything. It won’t have a control panel of course. Pop-ups will warn you constantly “What you are about to do is stupid.” It will have a timer that will shut the system down after five minutes, leaving less time to fuck things up. It will have a security system that will lock things down so tight that you will barely be able to use it. Hopefully, most folks using this version will give up on computers and go back to watching Bay Watch re-runs on TV and drinking Yoo-Hoos.

Vistux – Just a Linux distro with the Windows splash screen on it. It would be a brilliant move. It would run better and be far more secure.

Vista Diaper – The perfect operating system for kids. They won’t be able to break it. It will only go to one web site,, and run only the simplest games. It will only take limited mouse commands and won’t shut down even if some little prick holds down the power button for an hour. Oh, and the CD player won’t open so The Cod God’s kids can’t break it.

Vista Fista – An OS for those of us into porn. Aside from having all icons shaped like sex organs, it would support huge flat panel monitors at enormous resolutions. A tabbed browser will be included so you can easily switch between any number of perversions like fisting, bukake, water sports or what ever else gets you off. Optimized for only the fastest broadband connections, the whole operating system will reinstall itself from an image in flash memory after every time it is shut down and restarted. This is because even in the time it takes for you to snap one off, your system gets all mucked up with trojans and spyware when surfing porn. Plus you wouldn't want to have potentially embarrassing/illegal things saved on your hard drive, would you? Vibrating input devices and RSTP (Remote Sex Toy Protocol) will be supported.

Vista Art Fag – Designed to woo the Mac user. It will look even more like OS 10 than the Aero desktop that comes with Vista. It will have all the widgets and shit that give Apple aficionados their little chubbies. It would support the most gigantic hard drives so users will have plenty of space for their Nitzer Ebb or Smiths MP3s.

Vista Babe – For hot chicks. It’s look will be all pink and frilly and have, preinstalled, all the latest instant messaging and other communication crap available ‘cause girls love to gab. And there will be random pop-ups instructing users to immediately suck their husband/boyfriend’s dicks or for users to place their ankles behind their ears. This OS will be optimized for secure online shopping and the IE home page will be set to Victoria’s Secret.

Vista ME – Vista Millenial Edition. Since Vista probably won’t come out until the year 3000 anyway and will blow dog just like Windows ME did.

I'll bet you Bill Gates is happy as shit that I have started up my blogs again too!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

That Empty Feeling In Your Life Is About To Go Away

"Jesus, Wheel Gun Bob, when are you going to update your fucking blog?" is a constant refrain I hear day after day. Well, I finally have an answer: "Now, you assholes!"

First of all, let me get one thing clear. All though I've started up my blogs again after a long period of cloistered soul searching and urine drinking, I am in no way going to add anything new or exciting or different to them. They will consist of the same irritating, pointless rants on the same dull subjects as before (crapping on Republicans, crapping on musicians I hate, complaining about work, etc). Thrilled yet? I thought so.

Like Jack Nicholson said so devilishly in some damned movie, "I'm back!" So grab onto your genitalia (or someone else's) and a way we go!

If any of you pathetic Democrats out there think that you pussies will win back the House and the Senate in November, put down the fucking bong for a minute. Yes, the Republicans are screw-ups of biblical proportion but they have three things going for them:

1) Jack, scratch, moolah, dough, green stuff, samolians, shekles, zlotys. In other words, money. And lots of it. Tons more than the Democrats.

2) Evil genius Karl Rove. You know that fucker has something up his putrid sleeve. Keep an eye out for an October surprise. Osama better be taking extra precautions these next few weeks.

3) The American public hasn't suddenly become any smarter. They will always fall for the same time honored Republican bullshit. Either you are with us or with the terrorists. Democrats are weak on defense, kill babies, burn flags, love fags, hate god and rape kittens - just before they boil them alive and eat them.

Oh, but the Democrats have the liberal media to help their cause, you say. Guess what? The "liberal" media hardly exists anymore. And what's left of it tries so hard not to live up to that moniker that it bends over backwards. That leaves us with Fox "news" and the legions of loud mouthed government propagandists on the radio bleating away about how evil the Democrats are. Jeesh, aren't you glad I'm writing my blog again? Same old crap or what?

Hey, my favorite holiday is coming up. I will have some witty and amusing observations on Halloween for my next blog that's sure to add bulk to your stool. And that blog will be crafted in less than three months, I promise.

Among other topics/shtick you may be seeing soon will be: further ideas for my next career, making someone finally pay for stealing my goddamned sodas at work, translating all my blogs into Lithuanian (that will be so funny, I swear!), tits and more tits.