Monday, January 19, 2009

4 X 4

[Ed. Note - This blog is just a regurgitation of all the shit I've said before so please feel free to skip it. I promise not to spew venomous hatred toward Republicans anymore after this. After all, I do have Republican friends and relatives!]

[Ed. Note # 2 - This festering turd is blog # 201! I invite you to check out some of my old blogs and notice how I haven't improved over time one bit. And I seem to talk about the same damned crap over and over again. Sadly, expect blogs 202 - 300 not to vary from this monotonous routine much.]

Look, nobody is sure how Barrack Obama will make out as our president. He seems smart, cool, calm and collected and also seems worldly and well spoken. I know none of theses attributes impress Republicans in the least. I mean look who the fuck their heroes are – people like Dan Quayle, Sarah Palin and ole Dubya hisself. Even their uber hero, Ronald Regan, was a dopey actor playing a president on TV. 

This is why I hate the ideology of the Republican Party. It celebrates stupidity. It despises science and logic. It’s superstitious and faith based. It believes the world is only 6,000 years old and that Christianity is the only true religion. It actually believes that if the rich get richer, than we might be brought along for the ride (um, I’m still waiting). The gap between the rich and the rest of us has grown exponentially wider. Fuck ‘em with a 4 x 4 I say! 

The Republicans care about only one country and it ain’t the U S of A – it’s Israel. For whatever reason, be it because it’s the land the Christians are going to ascend to heaven from during the rapture or the dollars given to them by AIPAC, the #1 goal of the Republican Party is to “protect” Israel from its “enemies.” In sad reality, it will end up destroying it. And if you dare question Israel-centric policy, you are branded an anti-Semite. I have a friend from Israel who is astonished by this stupidity. Fuck the Republicans with a pressure treated 4 X 4!!!!

The Republicans claim to be the party of limited government. Define “limited government”? Perhaps limited to Republicans only? They have spent the last 8 years trying to turn the presidency into a monarchy. Can you imagine what our founding fathers would have thought of warrant-less wire tapping? “They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security” some damned liberal named Benjamin Franklin once said. Republicans don’t give a rat’s nipple about the constitution. Fuck ‘em with a zwill coated, pressure treated 4 X 4!!!!

I spend way too much time listening to talk radio. They declare anyone who is not in lock step with their fucked up ideology un-American, treasonous, and even worse – a liberal. I hate liberals too. At least the way they are depictedby the right wing. In real life most liberals really love their country and would like to improve it. Kind of like a parent with a troubled child. Just because they all wear Birkenstocks and reek of patchouli don’t make em bad folk. They actually work hard and love their kids. And I know only a hand full of liberals who boil kittens alive after sodomizing them.

Well, good luck Mr. Obama. You will need it because you have just been handed a steaming pile of dog shit to deal with thanks to those fucking jackass Republicans. I say fuck ‘em with a pressure treated, zwill covered, rusty nail festooned, acid soaked 4 X 4. Twice.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Holy Shit

Those crazy fuckers in the mid-east just can’t seem to get along so I suggest we (the rest of the world) take the holy land away from them. Kind of like taking a toy away from two kids fighting over it. So what should we do with it afterwards? Here are my suggestions: 

  • Giant water park. Assuming they have enough water in that godforsaken land. If not, then a regular amusement park will do. You could have rides much like Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” except with biblical themes such as “The Crucifixion” featuring roller coaster seats shaped like a cross. And a car bomb obstacle course would surely be popular. 
  • Missile and bomb testing range. It’s practically that already. 
  • The mother of all shopping malls. Just enclose the whole damned Middle East, slap some air-conditioning on it and the shops will come. You could even have a million screen multiplex. 
  • The world’s largest titty bar! Possible names for it could be "The Gaza Strip" or "The Camel's Toe" or "The Hole-y Land" or "Glory Holy" or "Lawrence of Labia" or "Hair M" or "Piece In The Middle East" or "The West Skank." They could have a once a month special on Bloody Marys called "Red Sea Night."
  • Declare the Middle East a religion free zone. Anyone caught killing in the name of god or even just praying will be decapitated and a camel will shit down their neck. 
  • Extra terrestrial landing area. Using olive trees, spell out the word “HELP!” so big that its visible from outer space. 
  • Nature preserve. Remove all humans and let nature take over. Perhaps sand fleas will evolve super intelligence and end up ruling the world. 
  • Huge dump. Put all the worlds trash in one spot – the middle east. Use the methane generated for power. You could also have a big-assed junkyard. Junkyard wars instead of real wars. 
  • Sports complex. Everything from golf courses to drag strips and road courses. Boat drags in the Red Sea! Stadiums galore! Hell, you could move the old Yankee Stadium there. Camel polo!
  • Movie set. Biblical epics could be filmed there in real time. Hell, dig up the still slightly warm corpse of Chuck Heston and have him part the red sea of Palistinian blood.
  • Agriculture. Use it to grow barley, hops, grapes and, depending on the weather and water availability, less important crops such corn and wheat. 
  • Giant cemetery. It’s certainly headed that way now.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Random Thoughts While At Work

Jim Rice finally makes it into the hall of fame. Apart from being a surly prick, he was a great and feared hitter and learned how to play a good left field for the Red Sox. I was probably at Fenway maybe 25 times when he was in the line-up (I could afford it back then) and I swear his batting average must have been close to .500 with me in the seats. I saw him hit three home runs in a game twice. I also saw numerous pitchers soil themselves when he came to bat. I know I would have had the trainer suture my asshole shut if I was going to face Jim Rice from the mound.

Just call me Captain Eeyore. I’m reading this great book about William “Captain” Kidd and the author includes excerpts from whatever diaries and writings that still exist from that period. It’s a riot how people wrote back then. One pirate describes a particularly well hung individual as “having the pudenda of an ass.” Hilarious. I’m going to endeavor to use that phrase as much as possible.

I was half listening to the local news the other day when I caught something about police responding to reports of a man tied to a tree. Nothing else, just that. I formed this mental picture of some goober tied to a tree with big, fat ropes and when the cops pull up he tells them to get lost. I mean, how long was the guy there? Why? For a joke, for revenge, for fun? And is it illegal to be tied to a tree? It raises so many questions. Why do I find shit like this so damned amusing?

Why the hell am I not working on my resume like everyone else around me?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Hefty Memoirs

Laura Bush just got a hefty advance for her memoirs. Or perhaps someone just made an advance on her hefty mammories. In either case, I hope she writes a tell all book. Wouldn’t it be a riot if she came up with juicy tidbits like how her hubby enjoyed dressing up in a general’s uniform and insisting that Laura defecate on him while howling “incoming! incoming!”? Actually, W looks more like a waterworks kind of guy – the smirk gives it away. But I’m sure she will just write about how she replaced the White House curtains and upgraded the Wedgewood. 

I want to ghostwrite George Bush’s memoirs after he mercifully leaves the White House later this month. I am an accomplished writer as this blog obviously attests to. And although not really privy to the inside workings of Bush’s “mind,” I do own (and have observed for quite some time) sea monkeys. 

I have many theories about the soon-to-be former "leader" of the free world. I think he was a very faith-based and gullible goober when he took office, certainly not a man of curiosity and reason. Neoconservatives, lead by Dark Lord of The Sith Dick Cheney, easily convinced him that we needed to attack Iraq as soon as possible to save Israel for the Christians during the upcoming End of Times. “Weapons of mass destruction” was just the bullshit justification they used to fool the general public. See, the Neocons main goal in life is to eradicate all perceived enemies of Israel whether in the best interests of America or not. Too bad their actions have made Israel, not to mention America, far less safe. 

So, what should I call Bush’s “auto” biography?  How about “What I Did When I Lived In That Big White House” or “Bush Clearin’ Brush” or “My Time As The Deciderer”? Some obvious ones would be  “Mission Accomplished” or “Crusade” or “War President.” I think I might call it “Misunderestimated.” Let me know if you have any other ideas for titles.

I will have an amusing chapter on how to pass out drunk and blame it on a pretzel. I will tell stories of flyin’ around on Air Force One during that tornado that sunk New Orleans. I will blame George Tenet and Don Rumsfeld for all Iraq related mistakes. I will make sure to constantly repeat how safe I’ve kept this country after those airplanes ran into the buildings in New York City during Clinton’s presidency and how I kicked Saddam Hussein’s ass for planning it. Probably won’t mention Bin Laden. I will blame economic woes on poor people. And I will tell all about how Laura gives incredible grumpkins.