Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Katrina And The Waves

Wow, that was some hurricane! Not because of the death and destruction it caused but because it made our faux cowboy president cut his vacation short by 2 days! Even the ungodly mess in Iraq couldn't do that. I guess all that brush in Crawford will have to wait to be cleared until his next vacation in a couple weeks.

I love how people fall for this whole cowboy, man of the people routine Bush puts on. I bet most folks don't even realize he was born in New Haven, Connecticut and went to Yale (yes, home of pointy headed liberal elitists). He has never had to do a real days work in his life. His daddy has helped him get every job he ever had (and screwed up) and helped him avoid everything bad from jail time to the Vietnam war. I bet the fucker has absolutely no idea how the rest of us live. Remember, his dad didn't even know how much a dozen eggs cost.

And as far as that woman protesting outside his "ranch", it sounds like she’s doing a pretty damned good American thing. Remember protesting? We've all forgotten how. We just suck up what ever the gummint tells us as gospel truth with out questioning anything. And if any newspaper or TV channel dares not toe the line, they are branded as having a "liberal bias." God, our founding fathers must be spinning in their graves. Come on people, wake up! Ask questions! Be cynical!

Here’s a little exercise you "conservatives" should do. For one week, try really hard and pretend Bush is actually Hillary Clinton. Now, would you maybe just be a little hesitant to blindly believe everything she said? Keep it in mind. I hope she's never president but if she is, I will question everything she says and does like I'm sure you would. And just because he has nicer legs doesn’t mean you should trust George W. anymore you would Hillary.

Oh, and about New Orleans. I once spent a couple weeks there. I loved the place. I loved walking down the street drinking a 24oz beer in broad daylight with no one hassling me. I loved the food and music. Now it's a big ole swimming pool. Oh, well. If ever I get a vacation, instead of cutting it short like our hero did, I will put C.J. Chenier on the stereo, drink several 24oz beers and then cook up some spicy jambalaya. And no, I won't clear any fucking brush.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Seizure On The Flipside

Our rooski intern here at work has laid waste to my cube. Seriously, there is shit all over the place. He refuses to pick up after himself. Thank god he is leaving soon. When I came in the other day the cocksucking cossack had his feet up on a chair. I stormed in, slapped his feet to the ground and said "get your goddamned feet off the goddamned furniture this isn't goddamned Russia you know!" He literally jumped up and stood at attention looking shocked. I couldn't help but to laugh my ass off. But fuck work I say!

If my knees didn't hurt so badly I would do a goddamned jig. I have the next four days off! The longest amount of time off in over a year and a half for me. How come the incoherent marmoset that passes himself off as our president gets so much fucking vacation time and I don't? I actually wish he would go on a permanent vacation.

So, what should I do with myself? Any suggestions? Of course I will do the usual - drinkin' and pickin' up chicks. But what else? Damn, this is great!

The last thing I want to do though is disappoint you, the rabid fans of this blog. Four days with out reading any crap from me will be a hardship for sure. But suck it up, get a life and see you next week. Unless of course I get really trashed and for some reason don't have a chicky-boo to pile-drive, then I might fire off a blog between now and then if you're really lucky.

Fundamentally Stupid

I like religious wing nut Pat Robertson because he's funny as shit. He was doing his best Ayatollah Khomeini impersonation the other day when he ordered a fatwa on Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez's life. Seems he thinks the United States should assassinate him. Instead, let’s assassinate all religious fundamentalist leaders because the world would then be a whole hell of a lot better off. But if you want a good laugh sometime, check out The 700 Club on TV. Keep in mind it's not a satire. Makes me want to start a garage band and call it "Thee 700 Club."

Not that I would really know since I'm not a Christian, but I suspect Pat Robertson wouldn't know true Christianity if you stuck the bible on the end of your dick and fucked him up the ass with it. But I've known some Christians and they seem like good people who want the best for their children and the rest of the world. Of course these people aren't fundamentalists. Notice how all religious fundamentalists want to kill people? I think that's about all Muslim fundamentalists think about. That and trying not to get a look at women's ankles.

Christian fundamentalists want to kill just about everybody (out of the womb that is) whom they disagree with including foreign leaders (only the ones who have a problem with Dubya), prisoners, anyone associated with reproductive healthcare, Janet Jackson's tit and, of course, Muslims. Did you know that The Southern Baptist Convention was the only major religious order in the world that supported the war in Iraq? Talk about not turning the other cheek!

I'm not at all against religion. I think everyone should be religious even if their religion is atheism. I'm just dead set against organized religion. And not because I'm so disorganized myself. It's just that when ever you get together with other people you inevitably have to compromise your own beliefs at least somewhat. And then there is always the possibility that mob mentality and/or some charismatic wacko will take you off the deep end. Why not just believe what you believe and keep it to your self?

Organized religions were invented thousands of years ago for one purpose only – to help subjugate people. Even today, leaders such as Osama Bin Laden and our very own crusader GW Bush invoke god as their reason for doing things. And most people are too brainwashed not to fall for it.

But I know there has to be a god due to a religious experience I had today. Today was a beautiful sunny day with a cool breeze. I was at the local pool and saw some incredible nipple happening.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

This Is War!

Sorry about the lengthy periods between blogs recently, but I have been at war. No, I haven't been at war with the president of the United States as you might suspect since he is an enemy of decent Americans everywhere. And, no, this is not some abstract enemy like my weight. My enemy is a flesh and blood, wily and worthy adversary. He is also a squirrel.

Yes, it is the same damned furry little prick that has been testing my resolve for a while now. Last winter he was huge. He looked like a fur covered cantaloupe. A summer of nervously scampering half way across the road, stopping, turning around and scampering back only to do it again several more times before making it to the other side has seen him loose a lot of weight.

The beady-eyed bastard has no fear of me at all despite the fact that I am The Cod God's uncle. I can almost touch him before he will scurry off. Yesterday, he was feasting on some snacks I had in my back pack out on the breezeway. Unfortunately, one of my hippie roommates was there otherwise we would have had squirrel soup that night.

So I need a way of dispatching the rodential evil-doer or at least scaring the nuts off him without pissing off my animal loving roommates. Any suggestions?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

High Tides And Old Guys

Who gives a rat's reproductive organs about The Rolling Stones? I hear they are going to perform at Fenway Park and everyone’s all gaga over it. Why? They have consistently sucked for twenty years if not longer. Mick Jagger doesn't so much sing as he bellows like a gay rhino in heat. Keith Richards might still be able to play guitar but he looks like he died of emphysema sometime during the 70's. I would rather go to a damned bar and see a shitty Stones cover band. Cheaper, less traffic, more booze and better music. Or better yet, get some beer and stay home and listen to an old Stones album. I'm not sure if I even have any so maybe I would listen to The Woggles instead.

Jesus H. Fucking Christ, Jr.

One of the reasons I have been so remise in lightening up your pathetic lives as of late is because I have been a bit busy at work. You see, I usually spit my blog out in the 5 minutes or so I allow my self to eat my shitty little dinner. Now, you guys have no doubt heard about this crazy new virus infecting computers – unless of course all you care about is entertainment “news” (tell me, just who the fuck is Jude Law?). Well guess what? The company I work for was one of the first if not the first to get slammed by a variant of this fucking worm. So I have been a bit distracted to say the least.

I am keeping a mental diary of the whole situation so as to possibly entertain/bore you with it at a later date. Included in it will be the initial non-response by our crack systems and networking morons at the same time I was freaking out. I need to find a way to get drunk at work so I can give less of a shit.

Hope you all enjoyed you’re goddamned summer vacations.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Fucking Friday

Well it's another Friday-goddamned-night and I'm stuck here at work waiting pensively for the usual shit storm to blow in. There is always some fucker who waits until Friday night at 10:30PM to mention that his workstation is blue screening and it has been since Tuesday but he needs it fixed right away since he is working all weekend. Or one of our production servers will consume itself in flames. Or some shit-hole part of our network will crap out and I will have to call one of our Sys & Net freaks who are all drunk off their Cisco certified asses by 6:30. Fuck silicon.

I need a vacation real bad. I can't get one since work is so damned busy. I've been told to wait until after September since that’s when the lay-offs are coming although us "off shifters should be safe." Is that good or bad? At least I have a long weekend at the end of this month.

I need to go do some shit. Sorry I can't be more entertaining.

Friday, August 05, 2005

In Your Faith, Mutha Fucka!

I was going to post some pictures of my work environment tonight but I forgot to bring a camera. I will do it next week. But I will attempt provoke some thought/fecal urgency with the following blog:

Our fucking wack-ass president thinks they should be teaching "intelligent design" in schools. There is absolutely nothing intelligent about W's design, however. Whoever or whatever designed him forgot the brain. Or maybe he does have a rudimentary brain of sorts and it was all the cocaine he sucked while hiding from duty in Vietnam that led to his imbecility. Let's face it, he's was the classic lost/rich/drunk/high college boy ripe for the brainwashing of born again Christianity.

He has shown time and time again he has absolutely no concept of science whatsoever. I mean, putting "intelligent design" in schools as an alternative to evolution is even worse than putting flat earth theory in competition with round earth theory (yes, round earth is "only" a theory). You can prove the earth is round with various types of evidence. Therefore the flat earth theory is subject to contradictory evidence. Intelligent design isn't subject to contradictory evidence because it’s based on faith. It belongs in churches not schools (unless it's in a study of religions or philosophy class). So, Mr. shit-for-brains president, lets start teaching evolution along side religion in church!

Alright, I will stop now.

My Orafice

I get home from the coal mines any where from 1-2AM or later if there is a raging shit storm. What do I do to relax? I work on fucking computers. Not that much different from work really. Except I can drink. This is my messy office – soon to be overhauled. That black computer on the floor is my main beast. Her name is “MOTHER,” after the spaceship’s computer in “Alien.” I put her together myself (Antec Sonata case, AMD Athalon 64 3800+, Asus A8V Deluxe socket 939 MB, 1G Mushkin enhanced RAM, 2 SATA 10,000 RPM HDs – I could go on and in greater detail but I’m getting a serious chubby). To the right you will see a line up of old Dell computers that need my attention but won’t get it tonight. That’s an American Strat, by the way. I keep it in my office so my roomates don't fuck with it. Oh, and my current girl friend Ginger on the desktop (well in my dreams anyway).

I took this pic with my real digital cam since the cheap one doesn’t have a flash. More pix tomorrow, lucky you. I’m going to try to sneak a camera into work and show you my lousy cube.

P.S. Hey, there is a rumor this guy that our representative-from-god president nominated to the supreme court is gay! Oh god I hope it's true! What a riot! Butt slammer on the bench. Supreme Court cock-sucker. Clarence Thomas better not drop the soap! I hear the Christian Taliban is freaking out. It will be even funnier to watch the lefties do an about face and start supporting his nomination because they love them fagits. This is great stuff even if it isn't true.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Breakfast Of Chumps

Typical Wheel Gun breakfast (if you can call eating at 1:00PM breakfast). Whole wheat bagel (sorry if that's too hippie for you, Colin) with peanutbutter, banana, various pills (vitamins and anti-inflammitories). Morning beverage of choice is a few pulls of Jagr. Then it's off to Market Sq. to ogle chicks. I'm so glad I'm not tied down by kids or anything like some poor saps I know.

These pictures are taken buy some piece of shit Argus digital camera in, believe it or not, "high resolution."

Monday, August 01, 2005

Cheesy Rides And Bad Food

I'm bored out of my fucking sack. Which is actually a good place to be here at work. It means I'm in the eye of a shit storm and things are relatively calm for the moment. So I thought I might take a minute and entertain you people with another one of my witty and informative blogs. First, a couple of observations on the news of the day, etc. and then I will fill you in on my blog plans for the rest of the week.

NASA has been testing out ways to repair the space shuttle while it’s in orbit. I saw a show on Discovery about it a while back and the woman in charge of this repair program is a raging babe. I would love to spackle her tiles. Anyway, they are going to perform space walks to repair some minor damage done to the heat shield tiles. Then they might rotate the tires and replace the catalytic converter. Hope it works and they don't all come back crispy critters like the last time.

Went to the Stratham Fair with my roomies yesterday. Boy, I tell you, lotsa folks from the shallow end of the gene pool were on hand. Cheesy rides and bad food. Too expensive. But fun. Some day when I'm critically bored, I will tell you about my short career as a carny. But the funniest part of the day was the "pig scramble." This involved kids running around trying to catch a bunch of squealing piglets. Good thing PETA was nowhere to be seen. Maybe they showed up but were beaten to death by toothless goobers.

3,000 hit, 500 homerun ballplayer and Viagra pitchman Raffy Palmeiro just got caught using the juice. This was one of the guys who testified to Congress about steroid use in baseball and said he had never used the stuff. Hah! Fuck you, Raffy. You should have stuck to Viagra. Actually, he probably needed Viagra to get it up after the years of steroid abuse caused his dink to shrink. What a moron. You better hope you turn out like that fucker Ollie North who became a hero for lying to Congress. Have a nice 10 days off, you dipshit. Maybe Manny will get caught on purpose so he can have more days off.

One of my roommates found a cheap digital camera at a yard sale for 5 cents. So I think I will borrow it and take various pictures of "my life" and put them up on this blog as a special treat to you, my devoted fans. Being an IT fag, I have a very good digital camera myself but I'm not wasting it on this space. So be prepared, starting tomorrow, to see some photographic evidence of my pathetic existence. You may want to pop an Ambien or two to help you sleep tonight.