Go White Guys!

Oh my aching sit-upon, has your hero Wheelgun Bob had a time of it of late! I was minding my own damned business at a stop light the other day when some jack-off decided my car was too long and that he would remedy the situation by ass-ending me into a pancake. Good thing I wasn't on my Harley or Wheelgun B would be orbiting with the Space Shuttle Atlantis right now. What the fuck did I do in a past life to deserve the shit swamp I'm mired in now? Huh?

Then there is the internet. You know, the thing that they put on computers these days? Well, my swank bachelor pad may be a pelt magnet but it has one serious drawback. It gets only spotty Comcrap internet. And the fuckers won't come over to switch out their shitty modem unless I have the account number. And that account number resides with the owner of my crib who is jaunting about Europe as we speak. So I get maybe five minutes of quality surfing every two hours or so. And internet porn doesn't watch itself, you know. Shit, I might not be able to post this blog! Good god!

I will leave you with this cheerful observation. I was driving around in the rental car (a beautiful shit brown 4WD Kia Sportage) kindly provided by my assailant's insurance company when I got in back of a big ole pick-up truck with North Carolina license plates. It had a large bumper sticker that read “Legalize The Constitution.” And underneath it was a smaller bumper sticker that screamed “Go white guys!” WTF? I was going to shorten this mother fucker's car into a pancake but thought the better of it.

More From The Gift That Keeps Giving

Apologies, my dear cyber offspring, for I have been a bit remise in the blogging arena as of late. See, I‘ve been having a hell of a time with my ex-girlfriend. But at least there are numerous hot chicks interested in me since I’m now a free agent. I’m one hunk of available meat!

Of course what’s really animating my being at the moment is the anticipation I feel for that jug-bearing juggernaut Sarah Palin’s memoir “Going Rogue.” It’s coming out this week! The maladjusted MILF is about to embark on a book tour across this great land of ours. Hopefully she comes to New Hampshire so I can get a close up look at her cute ankles.

Whenever I hear her interviewed on T.V. I want to spill all my state secrets to get her to stop. I would rather be water boarded with a white hot poker rammed up my ass than listen to her vacuous, nasally, cutesy way of talking the Republican talking points. Guess that makes me some sort of America hating liberal elitist. Sorry, I happen to think knowledge is fairly important and Sarah Palin doesn’t know a pile of goose shit from tapioca pudding. I think cute ankles are important too so I watch her on TV with the sound off.

Funny how Republicans hate smart women like Hillary Clinton and make fun of her all the time but go nutzo ape-fuck when anyone makes fun of their precious Sarah. Well, at least she is awesome entertainment. For about 15 minutes.

No Place Like Homo

I’m suffering from my first cold of the season. Hopefully it’s not the swine flu. I don’t see how it can be since I have not fucked a pig since the Deerfield fair. I will just have to pound down the rum and honey until I’m feeling no pain. Despite this malady, I will try and cram some sunshine up your asses with a blog.

I was in the Portsmouth Halloween parade Saturday night. It was a riot. I was dressed as Dracula with blood spewing out of my mouth. And I got to march with these two cool little kids I know so despite the oppressive crowds it was fun.

Present at this parade were plenty of chicks in hot outfits, I tell you. There was this one raging babe dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard Of Oz. Short little skirt, white thigh-highs and high heeled ruby slippers. I was busy ogling her and filling up the spank bank when I was momentarily distracted. When I looked back she had apparently moved up ahead so I advanced to a better vantage point. Then I realized she was a he! Jesus god! But before you disparage my masculinity and call me a homo, I need to tell you that there were two Dorothys identically dressed, one male and one female. I was lusting after the female one. Really.

I was supposed to hook up a certain chick at the parade but there must have been over ten thousand people crammed downtown so I missed out. Word is getting out of Wheel Gun Bob's new availability to the opposite sex and his calendar is rapidly getting full! Take a number if you have a vagina and you dig me. I promise I won’t suck too much of your blood.